Studying with ADHD, Depression and Migraine

Contents: Everyday student life, organising your studies, needs, strategies, call to action.

The transcript was compiled from interview recordings. The text has been edited and refined for clarity. It was then reviewed and approved by the students involved.

 To start with: What do you particularly like about studying at Bielefeld University?

The fact that you can really try things out. Thanks to my interdisciplinary degree programme, for example, I can explore courses in education, history or literature and thus broaden my horizons. This is particularly great because I find it hard to commit to a single subject area, and I can fully indulge my wide-ranging interests. What’s more, there’s no pressure to pass exams first time round.

Would you like to tell us a bit about your day-to-day student life?

I get the impression that I don’t really have a set daily routine as a student. Because I currently have few or no seminars, every week looks different for me. On top of that, there are irregular commitments due to voluntary work, my job or even visits to doctors and therapists. That’s why I also get the impression that just when I’ve really settled into my daily student routine and seminars, the lecture-free period starts again. Then I’m just thrown out of the rhythm again.

Would you say that taking longer to settle in has anything to do with your ADHD and depression? 

Yes, it’s 100 per cent related. The thing is, it takes me quite a long time to really settle into courses. Factors such as finding my way round the lecture theatres or choosing where to sit – for example, I have to make sure I sit in a spot without harsh sunlight because of my migraines – play a part here. Mainly, though, it’s about the people:

• "Do they all know each other already?"
• "Is there any group work or group assignments in the course?”
• “Am I expected to ‘connect’ with others?”
• “What’s the lecturer like?”
• “Are there any deadlines that can’t be postponed?”

Do you also encounter prejudice in this regard in your everyday student life?

Not directly, because I don’t openly talk to everyone about what it’s like for me. I do often try to take on a certain role in many seminars – as if I’ve got everything under control, so that people can’t tell from my demeanour that I’m actually feeling insecure inside. Nevertheless, in some conversations where mental health in general is being discussed, you do come up against prejudice. In one lecture, for example, I heard a lecturer say that it’s apparently all the rage these days for everyone to have depression. Naturally, a statement like that makes me feel completely overlooked, belittled and not taken seriously. And that’s precisely a very prevalent feeling that accompanies me in my everyday university life and in life in general – this sense of not being taken seriously. When it comes to ADHD, too, I often notice in conversations with others that when I talk about it seriously, people frequently say things like: ‘I know what that’s like.’ I mean, on the one hand that can be cool and perhaps even an expression of empathy, but at the same time it comes across as: ‘Yeah, I’ve got that too. It’s nothing special.’ As if it weren’t a big deal, and I find that a bit annoying at times. I don’t feel seen then. And when people go on to say it’s just a fad … — well, I’d rather not have it. It’s not something I’ve chosen for myself. 

Did your fellow students react to the lecturer’s comment? 

The comment was left hanging. I didn’t go back to that lecture myself after that. So I don’t know how things developed from there. That comment was reason enough for me not to go back. I just don’t feel very safe there.

Apart from what you’ve mentioned, are there any other challenges or difficulties you face in your studies? For example, with the structure of the course?

This might sound surprising, but I find the structure of the course too relaxed. I just don’t find it easy to organise myself. When I’m under external pressure – for example, from fixed deadlines – it works. Then I can cope with it much better. On my own, however, I can’t motivate myself. The lack of compulsory attendance is another issue. I just sometimes need that kick up the backside to actually get things done, and for me, that’s exactly the big difference compared to school. My school days weren’t exactly the best, but I managed fine back then. Because everything was strictly laid out, I felt fewer barriers. Every week was structured in a relatively similar way. I knew what was expected of me, and I was able to fit into that system. That worked well for me. Here at uni, it’s too open-ended for me personally. I mean, for other people I think it’s brilliant that they can organise themselves. But I’m just not that sort of person, and that’s a major weakness which, unfortunately, I can’t quite make up for.

Do you make use of structured programmes, such as the writing week?

I keep meaning to, but it never works out because I’m too busy. I mean that quite literally. I always seem to have appointments or something else on. 

Are there any other support programmes that you use, or plan to use?

Well, I often go to these ‘SKILLS workshops’. I don’t always go specifically for the seminar papers, but sometimes to get to know other students outside of seminars or simply to push myself. The fact that I’m put in a new situation where I don’t know how I’m expected to perform, or what’s required of me – do I have to stay focused the whole time? Do I have to be inconspicuous? Talkative? Professional? — makes it a challenge. I don’t know in advance how I need to ‘put on a mask’ – that is, to what extent I’d feel more confident if I concealed some of my behaviours, symptoms or even personality traits – for example, by fiddling with objects, tapping my feet, stuttering or word-finding difficulties. I just never know how severe some of my symptoms will be, and that makes it a real struggle.

I don’t really make much use of other support services specifically aimed at university life. It’s more that I’m happy to take up counselling services from time to time. But these generally deal with mental health issues and ‘how do I cope with this’? 

Would you like to see more support services specifically aimed at organising your studies?

I’d certainly welcome other options. I have to say that for years now, people have kept suggesting the Pomodoro Technique to me. It’s a time-management method: 25 minutes’ work, five minutes’ break. And it just doesn’t work for me.

Another example is ‘The Other Calendar’. About five years ago, I attended a whole seminar on organising your studies. I think the idea is cool in itself, but it doesn’t work for me because, in the end, I still have to organise myself anyway. Ultimately, there’s still no external pressure. I just get the impression that such programmes are aimed primarily at students who are actually already quite good at organising themselves but would like to learn new methods, rather than at people like me who really struggle to organise themselves.

What exactly would you like to see from such support programmes? How would you design something like that? 

I’d generally make it very open-ended to start with. I think it would be great if you could first explore what sort of learner you are. I get the impression that people always assume there’s just one general learning style. What’s more, the idea of ‘9 to 5’ – working eight hours a day – is still very much ingrained. That just doesn’t work for me at all. I simply can’t concentrate on work for eight hours straight, always at the same time and with self-set goals. If there’s no external pressure, I find it hard to get down to work anyway. Above all, though, the problem is being able to simply say, at the flick of a switch: ‘Right, now I’m going to concentrate on my work’. For me, it depends on the day and varies from person to person. That’s why, when it comes to schemes like this, I’d first and foremost like to see an open-minded approach to finding out:

• 'What really makes students tick?’
• ‘When are they able to work well?’
• ‘Under what conditions?’
• ‘How should the workspace be structured?’

Sometimes certain conditions need to be in place for you to really be able to work.

What are those conditions for you?

If, for example, a room is too bright, I can’t work. I get the feeling that factors like that aren’t taken into account at all. So the first step should be to find out: ‘What sort of learner are you? What do you need? And then you can just see what methods are available – choose something for yourself.” It shouldn’t just be one method that’s presented, but ideally a whole toolkit of methods from which you can choose and experiment with. It’s also important to have enough time to try things out.

I’d also be interested to know whether you find block seminars more helpful than seminars spread out over the semester?

Yes, because I’ve always found block seminars to be more of a commitment. You’ve simply packed everything into that one day. It can be a lot to take in at times, but it makes you feel more accountable. If you’re absent for a whole day, you’ve missed quite a lot. Still, I think it depends a bit on the block seminar itself. If the block seminar ends up lasting six or seven hours with just a short break in between, I do find that it’s simply too long for me. The advantage, though, is that at the end of the day you can really look back on what you’ve learnt. The feeling that you’ve perhaps achieved more, worked harder, and that in turn motivates you to come back the next day or at the weekend. It helps me to see results more quickly, and I find that more tiring in normal seminars, for example.

A more fundamental question: Did your depression or ADHD influence your choice of degree programme or where you studied?

When I decided on my Bachelor’s degree programme, I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and everything was still sort of fine. It was only during my Master’s degree – and particularly during the pandemic – that I began to grapple more deeply with depression and ADHD. My current degree programme focuses heavily on issues of social injustice and various forms of discrimination – some of which I’ve experienced myself. Amongst other things, I then felt a need to approach these issues on a theoretical level and acquire knowledge, so that I might be able to help reduce discrimination at some point. So that structures simply improve for people like me. That was my motivation for steering my master course in that direction.

You mentioned earlier certain challenges you face during your studies or throughout the semester. Have you developed any strategies for dealing with them?

Generally speaking, I try to create quite a few safe havens or ‘islands’ for myself. For example, I’m part of a self-help group, and it helps to know that once a week at a specific time I have the self-help group to go to, where I can perhaps also talk about any problems I’m facing. I’m also in therapy, so I can bring these issues up there time and again. In addition, I’m involved with ‘Studienstart Barrierefrei’ (Barrier-Free Start to University), a group where I don’t have to put on a front. There, I can just be myself. I can take off the mask. I’m allowed to cry, I’m allowed to be angry, whatever. I’m allowed to fidget or feel a bit off – if you want to call it that. And these are simply little pockets of time that I need to build into my day. One really big coping mechanism – though it’s not always a good thing – is coffee. It sounds incredibly trivial, but especially when I notice my concentration is really dropping off dramatically, coffee helps me get a quick boost. Afterwards, I might actually be less focused than before, but it carries me through the day a bit. It’s the same with sugar. It’s not healthy, mind you, but they’re just little pick-me-ups that I need. Something else that helps me – especially when seminars are just starting and I don’t yet know how many people will be coming in total – is being the first one in the room. Then I can pick a seat that suits my needs – somewhere that isn’t too bright, for example, or where I can keep an eye on the room without being right in the spotlight. These are just things I do every week at every seminar. Knowing that I’m walking into a full class is quite a challenge for me. There’s a pretty high chance that I simply won’t go in at all. Otherwise, I always have something in my hand, such as a pen. That’s very helpful for me. For me, these are all ways of being able to fiddle about a bit on the side without giving myself away straight away. Holding a pen in my hand is relatively inconspicuous in that respect.

One issue that concerns students is how to communicate their own disability, chronic condition or mental health condition to lecturers. Some opt for open communication – others try to keep it to themselves where possible. How do you handle this?

I think I tend to decide on a case-by-case basis. It depends, amongst other things, on how I assess the lecturer and whether I’m actually in an emergency situation. That’s happened twice so far. Once was in a seminar that was run in a hybrid format. During the pandemic, I suffered another bout of severe depression and was also experiencing severe social anxiety. When I had to be in that Zoom meeting with my camera switched on, I didn’t feel at all comfortable. On top of that, everyone was using such high-flown language that I started to suffer from imposter syndrome. It all just overwhelmed me so much that I ended up leaving the Zoom meeting quite often. Looking back, I always felt quite guilty afterwards. At some point, I decided to write to the lecturer. I told her that I suffer from severe social anxiety and panic attacks, and that I’d try to attend again as soon as I could. Fortunately, the response was very positive. I then spoke quite openly to the lecturer and another person about the fact that I have depression. I haven’t, however, openly discussed my ADHD yet. It’s always just been a matter of asking for an extension. This has actually been a recurring theme throughout my entire degree. Fortunately, though, I’ve always been met with a great deal of understanding in this regard – at least from the lecturer I’ve asked. 

You weren’t diagnosed with ‘ADHD’ and ‘depression’ until your master course. I’m interested to know whether you’ve noticed any difference since the diagnosis, for example in how lecturers respond to requests for deadline extensions?

I can’t really say whether there are any differences. In that respect, my bachelor’s degree was easier because there were lots of written and oral exams with fixed dates. It wasn’t like with seminar papers, where you can usually negotiate an extension to the deadline. In the past, I always made use of that leeway. Back then, however, I justified it by citing a lack of time or an internship. These days, I’m more open in such requests, for example by talking about my depression. The reactions are actually always relatively empathetic.

From what I’ve gathered, you still try to avoid talking about your depression and ADHD as much as possible. Would you actually like to talk about it more? Or: what would lecturers need to do to make you feel more comfortable discussing it?

In principle, I’d quite like to be more open about it, though there are also fears associated with that. For example, I’m afraid of putting myself too much in the spotlight, which is something I definitely don’t want. I’d just like people to be a bit more considerate. I get the impression that if I don’t talk about it, many people think I’m strange. That’s how I felt even back at school. Because I thought other people found me strange, I eventually came to believe it myself. It was only after the diagnosis that I began to have a bit more understanding and compassion for myself. I’d like the lecturers to be a bit more approachable. With some lecturers, you can really tell how much the university is shaped by hierarchies, and that makes me feel very intimidated. Sometimes I miss that human touch, that relaxed atmosphere. For example, I really appreciate seminars where the lecturer introduces themselves or offers the option of using the informal ‘du’ form of address. That simply creates a sense of closeness, which would encourage me to speak more openly about myself. I’d then simply feel as though I were on the same level as the person I’m talking to.

Is there anything else you’d like to see in terms of how lecturers structure their teaching, so that you can learn more effectively or feel more at ease?

Lecturers probably can’t manage this, but I find reminders helpful – ones that tell you by when a particular text needs to be read. I’d also love it if slides were made available after the seminar. Sometimes I can’t quite follow the session because I’m preoccupied with my anxieties or my mind is elsewhere. In situations like that, it would be helpful if the content were uploaded. I’d also think it would be great if there were more variety in the sessions. A mix of lectures and group work, for example, to create a bit of dynamism, get us moving a bit more and keep us alert. When it comes to group work, though, it would really help me if the lecturers organised the groups. I always find it very challenging when I’m in classes where I don’t know anyone and then have to find a group. I usually feel as though I’m just squeezing in somewhere. So it would be really helpful if the teacher could ensure that everyone gets a chance to work together. Another helpful thing would be to air the room more often. 

You mentioned earlier that structure and organisation help you. To what extent does the online learning space help you with this?

I’d prefer it if, rather than being given a long list of session content and reading material right at the start of the semester, the specific requirements were set out session by session. That wouldn’t be too much and wouldn’t be overwhelming. It makes it harder to go wrong.

Could you now fill in the blanks in the following sentence: ‘Many people think that … and I’ve always wanted to tell them …’?

I could actually put a few different things there …

Many people think that ADHD and depression are just a trend and that it’s cool to be neurodivergent. I’ve always wanted to tell them that it also comes with its own set of hurdles and suffering. That it isn’t actually cool, because it involves difficulties that many people simply can’t understand at all. It just really gets on my nerves when people play it down like that.

Lots of people also think I’m not very capable because I’m taking longer to finish my degree than others and am therefore perhaps less successful. And I’ve always wanted to tell them that everyone moves at their own pace. Not everyone has to complete their degree within the standard period of study. Not everyone has to spend time studying abroad. There are different ways of living, and it would be great if people embraced that more.   

To wrap up, what message would you like to pass on to lecturers?

As I’ve already said, I’d like to see more approachability and a breaking down of hierarchies. Particularly given the work they put in, lecturers absolutely deserve to hold high positions, but we’re all human beings nonetheless. We’re all part of the university. That’s precisely why I believe hierarchies should be softened and perhaps a little pedagogical approach should come through.

Is there anything else you’d like to mention to wrap up?

What comes to mind, to conclude, is that many people have a rather rigid view of ADHD. I get the impression that many initially associate it with fidgety boys. Yet girls, women and adults are also affected. Furthermore, ADHD is always associated with something very extroverted – something loud, something disruptive. But there are also forms of ADHD that actually cause quite the opposite. That the ‘loudness’ some people might display on the outside perhaps takes place more on the inside. That’s often how I feel. Sometimes I have so many thoughts that I can’t even speak properly anymore. My thoughts are sometimes so jumbled, so loud and so numerous that I don’t know what to say. I’d like to see this image that many people have of ADHD corrected. I’d like people to realise that this attention deficit can manifest itself differently depending on the person. Some people are just loud, whilst others are quieter. Nevertheless, I don’t have any less ADHD than those who are loud.

People’s disbelief that I have ADHD is also something I come across frequently. Simply because I’m not a ‘typical person with ADHD’. But that makes me wonder: ‘What exactly is “typical”?’ Perhaps we need to rethink this way of thinking. We should adapt what we’ve learnt so far about this condition or disability. We should talk to more people and simply break down these stereotypes.

And now, addressing the lecturers once more: I’d like it if lecturers would simply offer more encouragement and recognition for what we achieve. A bit more encouragement, a bit more support. I’d like it if lecturers took the time – for example, when it comes to seminar papers. Just getting any feedback at all isn’t something to be taken for granted, and it shouldn’t be limited to just the mark. As a student, you invest so much time and sometimes don’t even receive an email. I’d like to see a bit more appreciation there. Or even putting us down with comments like ‘Master’s students are a dime a dozen’. I don’t want to hear that sort of thing. I simply hope that lecturers take into account that students achieve a great deal – working alongside their studies, undergoing therapy – or both. I’d like to see a humane, approachable environment created, where people look out for one another.

Thank you very much!